Life

Here you shall find out the answer to the dilemma human kind has been struggling with for ages. Fortunately I, the brainless grand master of life, have investigated this issue thoroughly and have afterwards listed some helpful and fully usable hints for you. These miraculous findings will, undoubtedly, turn your pitiful life into a joyful journey of pleasure and fun.

Read carefully, for this information might lift you onto another - higher - spiritual level. Or, instead, it could simply be a complete waste of your time.

Don't worry about death; rather go buy a Russian car and go cruising. While driving the car you don't have to worry about death - it comes naturally. Especially if it's a Lada. (Although Skoda is Czech, it will do just as fine)

When asked to rock a baby to sleep, do _not_ try to entertain him or her. The best way to make him fall asleep is to bore it. Just hold the baby in your arms and tell him/her about Bill Clinton, Bob Dole or your personal sex life.

Do not make rapid judgements. If you saw a man holding an "I love Sweden" sign in his hands, it doesn't necessarily mean he's crazy. He could've been, for example, poisoned by some ill-mannered government officials.

Wherever you go, take your clothes with you. You never quite know where you could have the possibility to take them off.

Get yourself a dog, so that you have someone to get your mail when you're not feeling so good (like on Saturdays or Sundays and such). A boyfriend is an alternative, too, for the execution of this terribly stressful task. And I must stress - I am supposing the boyfriend is not blonde.

Do not imitate William Tell, especially not in the dark. To your surprise, the archery stuff mightn't be as easy as it looks like on television. Then again, if you can persuade your mother-in-law to act as the person with the apple, further consideration of the pros and cons is needed.

Never show your dog a chinese food restaurant's menu.

When you're bored, watch what your neighbor is doing. You'll feel refreshed again having seen the sabre-toothed money trying to get up out of the bed to get some bananas - without success - and stumbling on his way to the toilet after helped up by his wife.

Locate the closest creature around and throw a water balloon towards this very person. Next fill this little query:

1) The victim was...

a man.

a woman.

an innocent animal.

a mother-in-law.

2) How did the victim react?

Answered with violence.

Thanked me for the shower.

Complained about the temperature of the water.

Barked.

Gave me *the look*.

3) How do you feel now?

I shouldn't have done it.

I'm glad I did it!

I just feel beat up.

I will do the same thing to my mom tomorrow.

My buttocks are itchy.

For once in your life, do something brave. Try wearing a different colored shirt than you usually do. A word of caution is in order: in pursuing this option, do not forget to consult your stylist.

If you've seen your computer more than your boyfriend lately, here's what you should do: whenever you switch on your computer, ask your boyfriend to come over. Have him sit on a chair behind you and install a mirror next to your monitor so that you can see him. That way, you won't see your computer more than your boyfriend. There's also another option; take your father's shotgun and let your anger come out. For clarity's sake, shoot the PC, not the boyfriend. (Unless, of course, he's not changed his socks.)

Always think you're stupid. Always tell everybody you're stupid. That way, you'll never get disappointed and you will never let anyone down. You are only able to make positive surprises. Trust me, there is that certain feeling of accomplishment when you manage to change the tyres or dial a phone number longer than four digits against your friends' beliefs.

These are the ingenious and infinite keys to happiness. I guess you should do something else now, like get some school work done or reports written. Building a house and establishing a family are nice things alright, but they are such measures that should not take place here. Off you go, then.